Ask an Etiquette Expert

Etiquette expert Leah Ingram answers some perplexing reader questions.

My in-laws thought up the idea of buying us a new plasma TV for Christmas - even though we don’t need a new TV, and have never expressed to them that we want one.  They bought one for themselves about a year ago.  About 6 months ago - in the summer - they announced that instead of buying us birthday and Christmas gifts, they would buy us a new TV for combo Birthday/Christmas gifts for my husband and I.
 
They have said over the last several months that they are going to buy a 42" Plasma.  Well, now, about a week ago they announced that they only have a budget of 1000 dollars and that they will come here soon to buy one - they live out of town.  My husband and I have been pricing them and it’s really hard to find a 42" plasma for under 1000 dollars, let alone that you need a bracket and cables and other things. When it’s all said and done, it’s probably going to be well over 1000 dollars.

My husband has offered to put money in on anything that goes over 1000 dollars.  I think that they should shell out the extra money.  We have 3 kids under 4 years old that I stay home with, and we just bought our house less than a year ago.  I think if they offered to buy the gift then they should buy the entire gift.  They both have good jobs, a paid off house, several paid off vehicles, and 2 boats.  I think they’d be able to afford the extra easier than we could.
 
Am I wrong in this situation?  Or should we pay the extra over 1000 dollars?
 

Sara
Indiana

Dear Sara,

In my opinion, you should never have to pay for your own gift—especially one that was seemingly forced on you without asking you first if you were interested in receiving it. Now it seems like you’ve got your heart set on getting the TV, but it should be up to your in-laws to get the gift purchased. Also, I’m appalled that they shared their budget with you.

I would let them know that you’re thankful for their generosity in buying you this TV, and that you will take whatever size plasma fits with their budget. Do not offer to pick up the financial slack for them. Good luck.

Leah

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Dear Leah,

How does one go about uninviting people who invite themselves to parties?  For example, I hold a number of holiday parties and one of them is just for my essential oils customers.  Whenever a family member hears of a party they show up.  I want to have a conversation about this, but I’d like them to leave it feeling uplifted somehow.  Any advice?

Beverly

Dear Beverly:

I’m sorry to hear that you have such pushy relatives that they believe any time that  you’re entertaining at your home that they are automatically invited. There are a couple of ways you can handle this situation in the future.

You could act proactively, and give a call to your relatives when you have an upcoming party. Say something like, “You may have heard that I’m having some people over next Friday. I don’t mean to be rude but this is a strictly business get together and I would appreciate it if you didn’t just drop in. We can make plans to get together in the near future but not next Friday.”

Of course, it might be difficult to have that situation so you can try one of these two things instead. First, keep your mouth shut about any future get togethers so that the word doesn’t leak out. Or, second, just live with the fact that your relatives show up unannounced at your parties and, if they’re not causing havoc, perhaps you can learn to live with it rather than causing a rift in your family.

Leah

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What is the proper etiquette to observe with respect to a woman whose husband passed away September 29, 2007?  She recently sent a religious Christmas e-card, but I would like to know whether it is appropriate to send her a Christmas card this year.  I was considering something that went along the lines of “thinking of you this holiday season”.  What is the acceptable thing to do in this situation?

Virginia

Don Mills, Ontario

Canada

Dear Virginia:

The best thing that you can do when someone is grieving is NOT to ignore them. Many people are unsure of how to handle things after a loved one dies and these people often take the route of not getting in touch with the person for fear of saying the wrong thing or upsetting that person. Well, staying away can be more upsetting, I think. This person may have a hard time with her first Christmas without her husband, and might really need friends and family to lean on, though she might not automatically reach out to say so. I believe that the more people that can reach out to her and send greetings, the better. Plus, she sent you a greeting. It’s the right thing to reciprocate.

Leah


Leah Ingram writes articles for national magazines, and is also the author of 12 books, including Gifts Anytime! How to Find the Perfect Present for Any Occasion and The Everything Etiquette Book: A Modern Day Guide to Good Manners. You can read more about her at www.giftsandetiquette.com or her blog on green living, The Lean Green Family.