From the great blog Zen Family Habits, here are a couple of necessities for a peaceful household.
One of the questions I get asked often from fellow parents is, “How can I create a peaceful household?”
These days our lives have gotten over-scheduled, and insanely stressful. Parents are exhausted, and running out of patience. Kids are rambunctious, and have learned to manipulate their frazzled parents. Unfortunately, more often than not, family chaos and yelling are the norm, rather than the exception.
This breaks my heart.
The reason it saddens me is because it is completely avoidable. Most experts would tell you the way to change the situation is to change the schedule … remove unnecessary activities, plan to have more time in the morning or at homework time so you aren’t racing the clock, quite simply: do less.
In part, I have to agree with this. Lightening your list of to-dos will free up some time and mental energy to deal with the chaos in your home. However, it isn’t actually necessary, and certainly isn’t enough. I know several multi-child families, who are involved in lots of activities, and yet they live in peaceful households.
So, what is the secret?
Your home can be calm and peaceful, regardless of what your schedule is like, if you spend a little time addressing two issues:
1. How your kids behave
This is the part where you have to dig deep and be honest with yourself. Have you established clear expectations for your kids? Do they know which rules are non-negotiable, and what the consequences are for breaking those rules? Are they 100% certain you WILL follow through if they break the rules?
Kids are masters at testing the limits of every single box you put them in. If you say bedtime is at 8:00, they will fight to the death to stay out of the bed until past that time. If you say they need to eat their vegetables, they’ll get you on a technicality, “You didn’t say I had to eat ALL of my vegetables!” The minute you establish a rule, they start working on finding the loopholes. That’s just life.
It’s important that you pick your battles, unless you want to spend every waking moment enforcing rules. Sometimes, they need to feel like they get to win a battle or two, even though you know you are going to win the war. Maybe you let them slide on the broccoli (because they made a valid point about your rule), but enforce the bedtime because you NEED those evening hours to relax, or write, or snuggle with your partner.
Decide ahead of time what is mission-critical for you, make sure the kids know it, and follow through on enforcing it… always. You absolutely have to “Say what you mean, and mean what you say.”
2. How the parents (you) behave
This often overlooked component is even more important than the first. Parents (you) set the tone for every interaction with kids. If you are stressed, anxious or otherwise out of patience, any little infraction by your child will turn into a HUGE issue. Your frustration adds fuel to a potentially flammable situation. If you are calm, patient and understanding, then even some bratty behaviors and crankiness can be handled creatively, and in a way that everyone can learn from.
The trick here is to stop projecting onto your kids stuff that has nothing to do with them. Maybe you still have unresolved issues from a previous relationship, or you are living an emotional roller coaster in your current one. Maybe you get frustrated when you deal with your parents, your boss, or any number of people. Perhaps you are stressed about not being able to pay the bills. All of these are valid issues for you to deal with, but your kids shouldn’t have to.
The key to a serene household is YOU. You get to set the rules, the expectations, the consequences, the tone, and the example for how the family should treat each other.
Are you doing your part to create a peaceful home?
Read more from Lisis at her blog, Quest For Balance, or subscribe to her feed. By Lisis Blackston for Zen Family Habits